Revizor3

Revizor3 (ревизор3) is English version of the third part of the parody Ревизор2012 of the parody (Ревизор3, 2013)

from Vera.

Parts of this series: Revizor1, Revizor2, Revizor3, Revizor4. The text refers to the original story by N.Gogol.

Top secret
Warning. All the protocols of the Department of Monitoring of Russia are top secret. If you have downloaded such a protocol, remove it immediately after the reading, empty the waste basket, reinstall the operational system and clean the screen of your monitor with ethanol.

Copypast
Mister Pink, Mister White, Missis Gold, Mister Green, mister Black, Mister Broun enter the Meeting Room.

Mister White: Lady and Gentlemen. I open the 1013th Session of the Department of Monitoring of Russia. I present Mister Pink from the National Security Department, who is supposed to revise our activity during past four years. We all know Мister Pink, but our reglament requires me to present him anyway.

Mister Pink: Thank you very much.

Mister White: First, I suggest, that Mister Pink expresses his opinion about our job.

Mister Pink: Thank you, Mister White. As you know, the Russian Law Against Orphans caused the international scandal. In order to open my cards since the beginning, I'll read the project of the official statement by our group about the scandal petitions.

Concerns About Russian Legislation That Would Affect Adoptions and Civil Society.

The United States shares your concerns regarding the bill passed by the Russian Duma that, if it were to become law, would ban inter-country adoptions between the United States and Russia and would restrict the ability of Russian civil society organizations to work with American partners. We will continue to raise these concerns with Russian government.

Children should have every opportunity to grow up in loving families; their fate should not be linked to unrelated political considerations. The United States and Russia concluded a bilateral agreement on inter-country adoptions, which entered into force on November 1, 2012. The Agreement provides additional safeguards to better protect the welfare and interests of children and all parties involved in inter-country adoptions.

The United States also remains committed to supporting the development of civil society and the democratic process around the world, including in Russia. We deeply regret recent efforts to restrict civil society activity in Russia, and to single out organizations that have U.S. partners for special restrictions. In today's interconnected world, non-governmental organizations should be free to cooperate internationally with partners of their choice.

The United States remains concerned over the lack of accountability for those implicated in the tragic death in 2009 of Sergey Magnitskiy. The United States will continue to call for full accountability for those responsible for Magnitskiy's unjust imprisonment and wrongful death, including through implementation of the Sergey Magnitskiy Rule of Law Accountability Act of 2012.

This is end of the document, and I see, I have to explain its meaning for you.

Mister Brown and Missis Gold (synchronously, with low voice): ..For idiots.. Mister Pink (continues): But first, I would like to know, who had prepared that draft for the Russian Duma?

Mister White: As everybody knows, the chapter against orphans was submitted to the Duma by..

Mister Pink (interrupts): Please, do not play kindergarden with me. We are not in Russia, where President may publicly poop in his pants.

Mister White: The idea to reduce the number of our agents was by mister Brown.

Mister Brown (with low voice): Perhaps, they will try to blame all on me..

Mister Pink: And then? Mister Brown, could you comment this?

Mister Brown: I hope, you have protocols of our session. I cannot comment better than it is written in the protocol.

Mister Pink: Mister White, could you please show the protocol at the BigScreen?

Mister White (absolutely disappointed): Yes, no problem.. At the left, the protocol of the discussion of the reduction of the number of our agents.. The Law was prepared by Mister Brown and passed well.. At the right, the protocol of our meeting about the Duma respond.. I asked Mister Brown to prepare anything appropriate, but Mister Brown did not want to deal with that project.. He just washed his hands.. I had to load this on Missis Gold and Mister Green..

Mister Pink: Uhu.

(pause)

Missis Gold: We did it in the interests of the USA. First, we did distracted their attention from anything that could harm the USA..

Mister Pink: What, from your point of view, could harm the USA?

Missis Gold: Mmm.. For example, the cancel of the agreement about our airbase in Siberia.. Or delivery of some nukes to Bashar Assad.. We found the simple solution, and now it plays against Russians.. Even the Russian citizens support the petition against Duma. They are already 50 thousand. The Duma have no support in Russia; they are completely in our hands; we can do with them anything you want. Any thing that is in favor of the USA. With this press, we may force them to make more, even less popular laws. We may handle them as if they would be our printer. Not so bad, ah?..

(pause)

Mister Pink: Mmm.

(pause)

Mister White: Perhaps, Mister Pink thinks that we done too far with the Law Against Orphans..

Mister Pink: Yes. All our group think so.. You are destabilizing the situation in Russia. And you are destabilizing relations between Russia and the USA. This is bad. We need the stable stagnation in Russia. Stability is our goal, not the revolution. The result of revolution is not predictable.

Mister Green: Well, but if you cannot predict the result of the revolution in Russia, why do you think that it is bad for the USA?

Mister Pink: I repeat; the stability, stagnation of Russia is the best they can do for us. The revolution destroys the stability. The revolution may force the positions of China. If China expands to Russia, it will be very difficult to deal with. The revolution may lead to creation of the strong society, and they will be able to compete with us by themselves. We do not want new competitors. The cold war is over. We won. We do not need the second round, do you understand?

Mister Green: Yes.

Mister Pink: Mister White, perhaps, you have any comments.

Mister White: I expected, Mister Brown could make that law more soft.

Mister Black: I am not sure that the Law Against Orphans can be soft.

Mister Brown: How can it be made soft, the Law Against the Orphans?

Mister White: To add more specifications in such a way that there will be almost no cases to apply that law. For example, the traffic of children may go through other countries.

Mister Brown: Sorry, no way. We cannot go to the Russian Parliament to defend the "soft" version. As you give the wrong idea to idiots, it is vain to soften it. I told, the amount of agents does not help, if hay are cruel and stupid. Either we help Russian to elect their parliament with honest election, or we'll have such problems every time when the Russian administration have to make any decision.

Mister Pink: Mister Brown, do I understand well, that you think that Russian may handle Russia by themselves, without our agents?

Mister Brown: I do not think so. Without our help, the communists may take power again. But we should not push forward the Russian criminals to the top of the Russian administration just because they are completely dependent on us. We need some honest, intelligent people there. Over-vise, they just explode their country and this will affect the USA. The guerilla at Primorie was strong warning. We need to learn that lesson. Late is better than never.

Mister Pink: Any objections?

Missis Gold: We all agree. Soon I'll have some draft to correct this; if you like, we can discuss it tonight.

Mister Pink: Well, Are you sure to have it ready tonight?

Missis Gold: Yes, of course.. I am sure, you'll like it.

Mister Pink: Mister White, I afraid, if we are supposed to provide some immediate answer, it will be just polight blablabla without any sense..

Mister White: Perhaps, it is namely that we need for now. And, please, stop counting signatures at the petition against Putin. He follows our instruction, and it is our fault that we did not let him know about this danger.. Tell Obama that Putin is our agent, and he should not be included in any "Magnitsky list".

Mister Pink: Are you sure?

Mister White: Yes. Let us make a simple test. Let Obama suggests some idiotic statement. Tomorrow mister Black transfers it to our colleagues at Russia, and aftertomorrow you'll see Putin saying this statement from his name as proof of his obedience. You want your enemy to be stupid, ah?

Mister Pink: Mmm.. Yes.

Mister White: Hence, stop counting votes against Putin. We cannot find more idiotic enemy for his position.

Mister Pink: Are you serious?

Mister White: Yes.

Mister Green: Our boss never jokes.

Missis Gold: Do not worry, Mister Pink. I am sure, you'll like it.

Mister Pink: When will you be ready, Missis Gold?

Missis Gold: How about 9pm? You'll stop counting signatures against Putin, while I prepare the draft and bring it for 9pm to your office, and we'll discuss it..

Mister Pink: Ok, I try to do stop the petition against Putin, and I hope to see you tonight at 9pm at my office. Any other questions?

Mister White: I think, we have resolved all we could for now..

Mister Pink: Hence, I leave for our urgent business.

Mister White, Mister Green, Mister Pink, Mister Black: Have a good evening, mister Pink!

Mister Pink: See you later, colleagues! (leave)

Mister Green (waits until Mister Pink leaves): Not so bad, friends!

Mister White: I jumped on the danger, as the Soviet Hero Matrosskin! And it worked!

Mister Black: We'll see tomorrow.

Mister White: Hope, Missis Gold will do it well!

Missis Gold: Do not worry! (Make vulgar jest) So, I leave now.

All: have a good evening!

(Missis Gold, and then all other leave)

(2012)

Keywords
Revizor, Revizor1, Revizor2, Revizor3 (this page), Revizor4, Herod law, Russia, USA, Vera