The Chiristian (TC)

God almighty

Mephistopheles from Tartar

Mohammed from Iran.

Moses from Egypt

Jesus form Nazareth.

Lakshmi, treasure-addicted Godness

Boy. Pretends to be just from public.

Director

Orphans. Attractive girls; when mentioned, appear and dance at the background, dropping their clothes and jewelry around.

Fedayeens. Stainless-steal men; when mentioned, appear and help each other to wear and arrange their weapon.

Act 1

TC (prays): Our Father, who arts in heaven!

God (appears): Hello?

TC (afraid): Ah? Who is there?

God: Whom did you call? That's me.

TC (making the sign of the cross): Oh, God!

God: What do you want?

TC :Oh Father, did you indeed heart the pray of your modest slave..

God (to himself): Since the Beginning, none of them talks normally..

TC : Oh, Father Almighty, allow me to make a pray in favor of Your Great Glory..

God (to himself): What a toady...

TC : Our Father, who art in heaven!.. Hallowed be thy Name... Thy kingdom come...

God (to himself): Again, as a kiloyear ago...

TC : Allow me to talk, saying the words from all the deepness of my heart..

God (Yawning): So many words for nothing...

TC : Give me this day my daily bread and some manna to enable me to glorify your name..

God (interrupts): shortly, what do you want from me?

TC : Some money...

God: How about a thunderstorm for your piggy ass?

TC : Sorry.. I understand... I wanted to help orphans..

Orphans appear and dance at the background, helping each other to undress and dropping their staff around.

God: I know, sexy orphans love your support.

TC (watches the orphans; then makes the sign of the cross): My fault.. Sorry... Forgive me.. Satan seduced me..

God (calls): Mefe! Did you hear, that this orthodox blames on you?

Mephistopheles (appears): Hi! Yes, of course! They all are the same. (Yawning) I already have a pool of them... (disappears)

TC (making the signs of the cross): Oh, God!.. Forgive me.. I just wanted to bring the people the true knowledge, to support the struggle against all the enemies of the True Christianity, to destroy all the evil muslims...

God (calls): Mehmet! How do you like him?

TC : Oh, Jesus!

Mohammed (appears): Salam, orthodox.. (to God) Normal son of slaves. Mefisto told, nothing special. (Yawning) Only if Moses gets interested.. Few kiloyears ago, he had treated thousands of slaves.. (disappears)

TC : Oh, Jesus!

Moses (appears): Sholem Aleichem! What is happening?. One more patient?. Again??.. O, God!. Four kiloyears ago, I've already shown, that it is vain, to save the slaves.. We can get a slave out from the slavery, but we cannot get slavery out from the slave.. Please, no more!. Let me go.. Shalom! (leaves)

TC (making the signs of the cross, hopeless): Oh, Jesus!.. Your power has no limits, help me...

Jesus (appears): Dad, forgive this poor man.

TC (surprised): Oh, Jesus!

God : They say "Oh, Jesus!" or "Oh, fuck!", or "Oh, shit!", without to make any difference..

Jesus (interrupts): Dad, this was your fault, you created them so. Let us help them.

God : Shut up, Jesse; once you tried to help. Weren't you punished well that time?

TC : Oh, Jesus!

Mephistopheles (from outside): Allah! Jesus! What are you doing there? Leave that Christian, let us enjoy Gaza strip. Fedayeens are ready...

TC : Oh, Jesus!

Jesus: Poor sinner, you still understand nothing.. Sorry, we should go, Mohammed and Mephistopheles wait for us at the next round of the Gaza Strip Tease.

TC : Oh, Jesus!

God (gradually increasing volume, until the reverberation of the building): He repeats, as a robot! One day I'll reboot all this world! I gave them brain, expecting, that they can solve some problems by themselves..

Jesus (interrupts God with hug): Dad, calm down. Let us go.

TC (making the signs of the cross): Oh, God! forgive me!

God (escaping from the hug of Jesus, to TC): Go and do not sin again. Bye! (leaves, together with Jesus. Orphans and Fedayeens also disappear during his last words)

Act 2

The Orphans and Fedayeens had no time to collect all their stuff. Some of jewelry left look as brilliants.

TC: This should be pretty expensive. Perhaps, the chicks had many very rich sponsors.. As if a God of riches sent me some treasure..

Laksmi (appears): Hello, Chrstian! I see, you become rich!

TC: Ah.. who are you?

Laksmi (appears and sings): I am Lakshmi.. I handle all the human treasure.. If you are rich, I am with you!

TC (looks at Lakshmi): Yes, I am rich.. Glory to God!..

Lakshmi (sings): Is all this staff yours?

TC (looks at Lakshmi): Yes, of course.. The eye-witnesses can confirm! (points to the spectators)

Boy (From public): Liar! He asked money from God! He is slave!

TC: One stupid boy.. (to public) But you saw, Gods gave me all this! Do you agree?

Several voices from public: No! He is liar! He is sinner! He is slave! He is cheater!. He is cheater, rogue, thief!

TC: They are my enemies. But I am strong enough to fight them!

Lakshmi (sings): I love strong men!

TC finds the box of grenades, left by Fedayeens, take one and through it into public. The grenade falls in the corridor between the seats with heavy sound, but does not explode.
TC takes another grenade and investigates it. The grenade falls on his foot.

TC (in pain): Oh, Devil!

Mephistopheles appears and mimicking shows, how to activate the grenade.
TC does not understand.
Mephistopheles takes one grenade, activates it and through it somewhere deep behind the scene. The strong light, "Boom" and smoke from there.

Mephistopheles: Understand?

TC: Yes!

Lakshmi dances with Mephistopheles. Dancing, they leave.

TC activates and launches several grenades into the public.
Jesus appears in time: with magic movement of his hands, he converts the grenades into the soft toys before they reach the spectators.
TC sees, that the grenades fail, takes the machine gun, left by Fedayeens, and stroke with horrible light, sound and smoke. Some of bullets hit Jesus; Jesus falls down.

God (appears): Jessy, again?. You didn't learn anything! (gives TC a strong foot-kick. TC moans and falls down).

God (looking at Jesus): Romantic bastard!.. (Investigate the wounds of Jesus, cries.) Oh, noooo!.. My poor son!!. You killed him again!!.. (With visible effort, God gets Jesus on his shoulder and heavily carries him out, crying) My poor son.. What a devil.. I used to.. F* Your mother.. Poor Jessy.. My beloved son...(disappears)

TC (gets up): Oh, God, forgive me!..

Moses (appears): I see, you fight against both Muslims and Jesus-mania. Judaism should be for you.. Are ready for Circumcision? Or, in your case, the amputation is better?

TC (prays): Oh, Master!..

Director (appears; interrupts): Stop! Moses, get out with your carnal allusions! (Call) Jesus! (furiously) You covered all the scene with your stupid blood!

Jesus comes with a can and a rug and washes out the puddle of blood from the scene.

Director: (Calls) Animators! (barking) Immediately pick up all your garbage! Now!

Orphans and Fedayeens collect the guns, bras, suicide jackets, underwear, jewelry, grenades, etc.

Director (continues): Anyway, nobody understands you. They like your tits, your pussies, your guns and your dirty slang, that's all.. Brutal idiots!. Get out from here with all your stupid farce!. (Loudly) Where is the author? (loudly) Author! Do you hear me?.. After such a performance, the Christians will hate us!. Some of them may catch you at a rack street and kill!. (with barking voice) While you live in the society, you should respect the customs of this society, over-vice I'll help you to move into the best world!.. Get out! All! Now!..

Jesus, Moses, TC, Orphans and Fedayeens disappear.

Director (To the public; change the tone of voice to the extreme candy): Dear Ladies and Gentlemen. I am deeply sorry for the rudeness of our employees, they did not yet learn to respect the noble senses of our valuable visitors. Please, excuse them for all the absurd you have seen. Please welcome again, I'll force my actors to perform something civilized and politically-correct.

References