Revizor2

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Revizor2 (ревизор2) is English version of the parody [1] from Vera.

Contents

Top secret

Warning. All the protocols of the Department of Monitoring of Russia are top secret. If you have downloaded such a protocol, remove it immediately after the reading, empty the waste basket, reinstall the operational system and clean the screen of your monitor with ethanol.

Copypast

Mr. Black, Mrs. Gold, Mr. Green, Mr. White, and later - Mr. Brown enter.

Mr. White: Lady and gentlemen. I want to remind you.. Due to the Obama's success, the most dangerous problem is solved, for a while. In particular, I would thank Mrs. Gold.

Mrs. Gold (ironically): Merci beaucoup!

Mr. White: Mrs. Gold worked a lot.

Mrs. Gold: Yes, there were too many.. For this job I could not invite colleagues without proper clearance.. But I have fulfilled all my pre-election promises. Some of them even twice ..

Mr. Black (interrupting): Yes, Mrs. Gold, we all appreciate your attractive clearance. But I suspect, Mr. White brings something important.

Mr White. Yes. All members of the board here? Mrs. Gold .. Mr. Black .. Mr. Green .. Mr. Brown? ..

Mr. Brown (entering): I'm here! Hello everyone. Am I late?

Mr. White: You are in time. We just finish discussing the beautiful ladies.. So, I open the regular meeting of the Board to monitoring of Russia.. Now we have four years in reserve, but this does not mean we should relax. In particular, this week, Senate will approve the Magnitsky Act, and the president will sign it immediately..

Mr. Green: By your scenario.

Mr. White: By our scenario. While Mrs. Gold is with us, we have no need to worry about difficulties of this kind.

Mrs. Gold: Thank you.

Mr. White (continues): But, as they say in Russia, we should look vperde. The Duma must somehow respond to that bill. Over-wise, some unwanted publication may appear, discussing, for whom do the Duma work for.. I think they should continue to claim that the Bill of the anti-Russian. The idiotic claim pretty corresponds to their profile and their public image. But such an abstract claims should be supplied with anything substantive. In the tenth century, the Russian writer Niklas Google described the duke, called "patched condom" among peons. The Google, of course, wrote only the adjective, omitting the noon. So, the readers have to guess it. We are in the similar situation: "the anti-Magnitsky's" sounds as an adjective, and we should invent some noon, some matter for the reply by the Russain Duma.

Mr. Black: Can't they propose anything by themselves?

Mr. Green: You dislike, that we do the job of the Russian Duma?

Mr. White: The Duma's deputats are stupid and lazy. They need our guiding. However, they could suggest some idiotic things.. For example, they may freeze our ruble accounts in Russian banks..

They vodka a lot

(Everyone laughs)

Mr. White (continued) or the embargo on exports of vodka.. Or used Russian cars..

(Everyone laughs)

Mr. White (continued) or used condoms.,

(Everyone laughs)

Mr. White (continued): Or Menshikov's gravitsapas . Or nano-filters by Petrik-Gryzlov.

(Everyone laughs)

Mr. White (continues): But I think this is not sufficient to support their image, as a serious political force!

Mrs. Gold: Well, you mentioned the patched condoms .. This may be a good idea!

Mr. White: What do you mean?

And now, slowly put your Act to the ground! [2]

Mrs. Gold: I mean, the Russian children. They have a lot of abandoned children. Because they smoke and vodka a lot; and drugs too, and parents abandon children. We have a lot of families who are willing to adopt these children. Duma deputies may prohibit the adoption.

Mr. Brown: You want the Russian parliament to restrict exports of Russian children in America?

Mrs. Gold: Yes.

Mr. Brown: I think that it's not good, from a moral point of view.

Mr. Black: Dear Mr. Brown. We develop the project for the Russian parliament. They came to the power with terror and the election fraud. If they make a moral decision, then no one believes, that they do it themselves. Therefore, the solution must be immoral, criminal. Let them use their orphans as hostages. Then we'll criticize them, and everybody will see, that we resist against cruel, strong and dangerous enemy.

Mr. Brown: In addition, such a "symmetrical response" looks an absurd; as if Russian orphans were guilty of the murder of Magnitsky. Or as if the orphans made publicity of that murder.

Mr. Black: This will be the decision of the Russian parliament. If this decision is logical, then no one believes that they have elaborated it by themselves. Therefore, the answer to the Magnitsky Act should look illogical.

Mr. Brown: If the journalists catch, that we have prepared such a law, then we will be beaten from both sides, by both Russians and Americans.

Mr. Green: Mr. Brown, you overestimate our compatriots. Not so many Americans adopt children from Russia. As for me, I would prefer them to adopt no foreigners. At least, no orphans from underdeveloped countries. Or, so if it is unavoidable, better let them adopt some Latinos or Africans. Obama will like this.

Mr. Brown: Obama is not forever. We have to think for a little bit farther, than while Obama.

Mrs. Gold: The problem, is that many children from Russia have genetic diseases. As the most dangerous, I would mention the kleptomania. Doctors cannot yet identify this disease at an early stage of embryo development, nor in the early stage of growth of a child. In addition, the addiction to drugs, smoking, alcoholism. Adapting families usually do not understand, what dragons and pigs can grow out from the children they bring to the USA.

Mr. White: You want to kill two birds with one stone: make the Russian parliament to solve our problems with children from Russia, and show their strong political will.. But then, our families will adopt blacks or Latinos. Our nation gets darker and darker from year to year.

Mr. Black: I do not think this is a catastrophe. At least we see, who is who. The problem with Russians is, that they are white.

Mrs. Gold: There is nothing wrong with the adoption of black children. They grow up and become .. very good! (Licks his lips)

Mr. White: Anyone want to add?

Mr. Green: I think, the problem is not the color of the adopted children. As for me, they could be even green. If we care about the "purity of the nation", we should make children by ourselves.

Mrs. Gold: Since today, I stop to use contraceptives.

(all except Mt.Green, laugh.)

Mr. Green (continues): To import no children from Russia. Nor from South America, nor from Honduras, nor from Somalia. Until we have support of patriots like Mrs. Gold, we have a great opportunity to organize a healthy way of life in America..

Mr. White (interrupting): Let us return to the topic of Russia.

Mr. Green (continues): I believe that we need to stop imports of children from any country. Including those from Russia. But if we offer this to Congress, we'll be qualified as barbarians and cannibals. We can do the dirty job by the Sovi.. pardon, by the Russian hands. Let the Russian administration solve our problem.

Mr. White: Good. Thank you. I like the idea by Mrs.Gold. Who thinks, that to the Russian Parliament, in response to the "Magnitsky Act", should prohibit the export of Russian orphans to America, please raise your hand.

All except Mr. Brown, raise their hands.

Mr. White: Mr. Brown, you are contra?

Mr. Brown: I do not know. As soon, as I find an alternative, I'll be against it. Russian Mafia by themselves are bad; we should not help them to be even worse.

Mr. White: Mr. Brown, I appreciate your opinion, but, while you are neutral, can you prepare a bill against Russian orphans? You do very well the projects for the Duma.

Mr. Brown: No. Not with my hands. It's "doom".

Mrs. Gold: I can do it.

Mr. White: So. Mr. Brown washes his hands, but Mrs. Gold is always ready.. Mr. Green, could you help Mrs. Gold with style?

Mrs. Gold (to Mr.Green): Accept it, Mr. Green! (Winks) You'll like this!

Mr. Green: I can.

(Mrs. Gold whispering to Mr. Green)

Mr. White: Good. Try to do it quickly.

Mrs. Gold: We'll work all the night ..

Mr. White: As soon as you have the draft, send it to members of our board.. Mrs. Gold - is our treasure! She will always finds, as Russians say, an appropriate magic stick!.. If there are no other comments.. I close the meeting. Thank you all..

(All leave.)

References

  1. http://samlib.ru/k/kuznecow_d_j/konspiro.shtml Конспирологическая квартира (Ревизор2, 2012)
  2. http://imgur.com/w8xP4 Elkin. А теперь медленно опусти свой дурацкий закон на землю... (2012)

http://www.gutenberg.org/files/1081/1081-h/1081-h.htm Nikolai Vasilievich Gogol. Dead Souls. (1842). Translator: D. J. Hogarth, February 4, 2013. .. "Of course I do!" exclaimed the fellow, and added thereto an uncomplimentary expression of a species not ordinarily employed in polite society.

Keywords

Revizor1, Revizor2 (this text), Revizor3, Revizor4, Ревизор2012 (Russian version), Herod law, Magnitsky act, Sergei Magnitsky, Russia, USA